The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
