my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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