You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
