dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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