i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
