You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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