No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
