So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
