Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
