I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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