i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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