You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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