Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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