Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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