i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
