You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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