I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
