my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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