I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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