Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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