my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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