the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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