hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
