I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
