I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
mondays should just be called national damage control day
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
