im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
