i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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