Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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