My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize