Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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