I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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