I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
