did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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