4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
