new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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