We're facebook friends in real life
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
