She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
