I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize