I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
