that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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