omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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