Dude my mom stole all your condoms
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
