glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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