fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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