we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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