Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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