Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
