I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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