You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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