im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
