Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
he told me I talked like a deaf person
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
