help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
