On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
