Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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