why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Found the puke drawer
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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