I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
