remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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