I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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