Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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