My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
