hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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