Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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