Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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