I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
