Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
