Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
