I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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